All sports aren't equal

Watching these Winter Olympics has drug up memories of an argument I once had with an ex-girlfriend. I am from the Mississippi Delta, and she is from Wisconsin. Her roommate is from Indiana. We were all three sitting together watching the last Winter Olympics at their apartment one night four years ago.

At some point, I don’t recall who exactly – commentator or yankee girl – but someone made reference to the Winter Olympic athletes being among the best in the world. I, being an SEC disciple and sports purist, took umbrage with the statement. “That’s ridiculous,” I said. “Snowboarding and figure-skating aren’t even real sports.” My ex and her roommate then proceeded to hurl all kinds of absurd claims at me: that Olympic snow-boarders are just as good athletes as professional football and basketball players, that they are relatively just as strong and fast, and then the trump card of “You couldn’t even dream of doing what they do.” I, ever-ready to throw out witty quips, replied “I wouldn’t want to do that sissy crap” and left.

I knew there was a vast gap of athletic talent between Lebron James and Shaun White, but I just didn’t know how to prove it. The argument to define “real sports” and “real athletes” has been going on forever with little progress. Trying to convince a redneck that NASCAR is not a sport is like trying to convince a modern art fan that Pollock is not an artist. And the same could be said for yankees and their winter sports. You just can’t do it. And you’re left with this nebulous ambiguity that allows for false claims of equality in regards to talents that clearly are not on the same level.

Eureka!!! (Call me Archimedes)

Whilst considering this dilemma following my argument with the ex and her roommate, I realized that sports purists had been approaching the argument all wrong. Instead of trying to define what sports are real and not, we should try to define the degree of purity or the verisimilitude, if you will, of each sport. Don’t tell anyone that something isn’t a real sport. Let curlers call themselves athletes. Heck, even allow freeze tag to be called a sport. Just don’t allow anyone to put those games on the same level as basketball or soccer.

“How?” you may ask. “By applying a simple standard,” I reply.

Said simple standard is this: The purest sports are those which require the most talents and skills that translate well into the largest variety of other sports. For example, golf requires endurance, hand-eye coordination, focus and mental toughness. Soccer requires all four of those (substitute foot-eye coordination for hand-eye coordination) and speed, agility, strength and quickness. Therefore, both golf and soccer are sports, but soccer is purer. And generally speaking (Tiger being the only known exception), soccer players are to be considered better athletes than golfers, because the skills they have equip them to perform better in more sports.

However, if you’d like to be completely accurate on an individual-athlete basis, apply the same standard to specific players as you would to entire sports. Evaluate the range of talents and skills an athlete has that translate into other sports. Andre Johnson is fast, strong, quick, agile, coordinated, big (size is a talent) and has the ability to exert himself to his maximum capacity (also a talent). I’m pretty sure, if given proper time and instruction, he would excel at any sport. On the other hand, Bode Miller has coordination, balance, and the ability to ski (a skill instead of a talent but should be factored in nonetheless). I haven’t seen the guy try the high jump, but I’m assuming his talent base and skill set would not translate as well as Johnson’s do into other sports. Ergo, Johnson is a superior athlete to Bode.

Soothing Perspective

Think about it. On the playgrounds around the world, who are considered the best athletes? The fat, slow kid who can make a Frisbee act like a boomerang or the kid who excels in every sport he plays? Obviously the latter. Growing up has deceived us into believing that the quality of sports and their athletes depends on their level of public acceptance. As a result, if colorguard becomes a popular Olympic sport, some misguided people will likely make the claim that flag-twirlers are just as gifted as Michael Jordan “in their own way.”

“Nonsense,” I protest. “Nonsense!!!”

The whole basis of sports is competition. If we cannot say one athlete or team is better than the other, there really is no point in playing. I’m not advocating a lack of sportsmanship. I’m not writing this to bash snowboarders and golfers as wimps. Quite contrary, I am arguing for objectivity that enables the best athletes to be recognized as such and the not-as-good athletes (of whom I am one) to be accepted in their statuses. Sportsmanship is most evident in humility, not in a false recognition of equality (i.e. The quarterback on the losing team displays good sportsmanship in acknowledging that “the better team won” as opposed to being like Matt Leinart after the 2006 National Championship game.)

In my next blog, I will reveal The Sports Pyramid, which rates the purity of specific sports by dividing them each into one of five categories.

Let us be rid of this foolishness!!!

P.S. – I realize that this argument could be misconstrued and applied to life as a whole and be compared to Hitler-esque philosophy. Please don't do this. Sports, although symbolic of life in many ways, are not life themselves. They are games. By defining their purity and the talent level of the athletes who play them, I am in no way trying to assess the value of the athletes as people. So, please keep this theory in context. The world did not do well with the Nazis.

P.S.P.S. - It's time for lunch.